Mourning What Might Have Been

I got some news this week that put me in a bit of a funk.  Thankfully, nothing serious, and most certainly a first world problem. But still, it caused me a bit of angst.  I’ll get to that but you first need the back story.

Several years ago, I was part of The Crew, a group of friends and alliances formed through a bunch of young singletons moving to the city and conquer the world as corporate drones. We became friends out of necessity, each of us new to the area, with few ties and needing camaraderie.  There were seven of us at the heart of the group, with a few others added in over the years as people moved to town, or old relationships rekindled.

I have very few memories of my first five or six years here that don’t somehow include the Crew.  We spent weekends together, hitting local bars and restaurants; grilling out by the pool; playing ultimate Frisbee; and just being together.  We had our own Holiday dinners together before heading out of town to our respective families. Some of us vacationed together. We spent weekends in the mountains, hiking.   We were, in a lot of ways, our own real life version of Friends or Beverly Hills, 90210 (the original, not the remake), complete with all the variations of relationships that went on in those shows.

I remember thinking several years ago that this would all end, eventually. Or at a minimum, change. We’d get married, change jobs, move, and lose touch. Like the characters on Friends, time and circumstance would eventually cause us to part ways. Yet, I thought we’d connect for weddings and births, exchange Holiday cards, and celebrate major life events.

Despite knowing that most of us would eventually become only Christmas card friends, there are a few people from the Crew I thought would be in my life forever.  Friendships I put a lot of effort into.  This week, it’s become apparent that save for one couple, I’ve been left behind? Moved on? from the Crew.

I lost frequent contact with the person in the Crew that I was closest to.  Someone who, perhaps, I fell a bit in love with at one point. Someone who gave the signals that perhaps he was interested as well, until I learned that was largely his modus operandi. When my personal and professional life settled down, I reached out again to this person, telling him how much I missed our friendship, how sorry I was that I hadn’t been able to put the effort into our friendship as much lately, and that I wanted to make our friendship a priority again if he was willing. Crickets. I’ve never received any response from him. At a Christmas party a couple of years ago, after this attempted reconciliation, I saw him and we exchanged the type of polite, impersonal conversation you share with people you don’t know at a first meeting. 

While it had been evident in other circumstances- a birthday dinner, a dinner when one of our Crew was home from London for a few days-it finally became clear to me at that party that I was no longer a priority with some of these people who I had at one time considered amongst my closest friends.

What it took me a while to acknowledge is that I never was a priority with these particular people. I can see with time and perspective, I always put a lot more into the friendship with these two individuals than they did with me. I chose to not see it when it was going on, because my perceived reality made me happy. I enjoyed being with these people. It filled some void I had, and gave me a pseudo-family.

I learned yesterday that one of these people has married, and the other is now engaged, and I am feeling a sense of mourning. Grief for what I now realize is what could have been.  If our friendship had been equal, if I had been a priority to them, if I had not been largely out of touch for a couple of years because of constant travel and incredibly long work hours, I may have been a part of these celebrations.

If I’m being honest, there was an element of self pity in there as well. With these two marriages, I’m the last of the Crew to settle down. Yes, I’ve got the mortgage and the good job and the home repairs that make you an adult, but I don’t have the husband and kids.  And at this stage of my life, I’m relatively certain that is not in the cards for me, which I am working to be OK with. Still, it makes one feel a bit defective when you feel like all your friends are on board the same train, and you’re standing on the platform, watching that train pull out of the station and leave you behind.  Like I said, that’s a moment of self-pity, and I quickly pushed that to the back of my mind.

So, the point of all this? I’m not sure. Perhaps my own catharsis, closing the door on a previous phase of my life. Solidifying these as nice memories with people I needed in my life for a particular reason at a particular time. People and times I can remember fondly but leave them in the past, where they belong.  Instead, I can focus on the people who are still a part of my life. The people I prioritize, and who prioritize me. Celebrate what is, and what is to come, not mourn what might have been. 

Things I Don't Need: The Urge to Purge Part 2

A few weeks ago, I wrote about working with a professional organizer.  Let me tell you, it is some of the best money I've ever spent.


I feel so unburdened now, so liberated.  I feel in control of my environment. I feel like I can maintain this. In fact, I have. 


So let me tell you a bit about this journey.  


Entire families live in houses the size of mine or smaller. So how is it that I had no extra storage capacity?  It was a couple of things: as I said in my original post on the Urge to Purge, part of it was laziness and part of it was a sentimental attachment to things that didn't need it.  But one key thing is that I think you have to be in the right headspace to take on this type of effort.  Now, I wasn't a hoarder. I just had too much stuff, and was holding on to things I didn't need. But it was overwhelming to get started on clearing it all out.  It seemed  like too big of a job to start.


But earlier in the year, I got my finances in order, then I worked with a life coach and got my priorities in order.  I think getting my environment in order was the natural next step.  


I worked with Suellen from Creative Order (http://www.creativeorder.com).  Our first meeting, she walked through the house with me, and listened to my goals.  We talked about a plan of attack, and agreed to 4 sessions about 4 hours each.  I secretly wondered if that would be enough. But it was.  We worked through the house room by room. The first thing we tackled was the master bedroom closets.  Remember the "Monica Closet" from Friends? Picture that times two. Or three.  


But we did it.  Here's what they look like now:

The best thing is that since we've done this, I've hung up or returned to the proper drawer or put in the laundry hamper each piece of clothing that comes of off me.  No more piling things at the foot of the bed, or tossing onto the closet floor when I'm in a hurry.

And the guest closet, where the Halloween and Christmas decorations, wrapping paper, and luggage are stored?  It used to be so full that when I had guests, they couldn't actually hang clothes in the closet.  Now?

There are two easy tricks I picked up.  One is a bin that goes up and down the stairs with me. When I need to take things upstairs, they go in the bin, and at the end of the day, the bin goes upstairs with me, and things go in their proper place.  Similarly, when something from upstairs needs to come downstairs, same concept.  This is Magic the Cat trying out the bin:

The other thing is simple storage. Items I need on occasion but not all the time. I needed an easy, but out of the way place to keep them, and keep them organized. The solution? A re-purposed over-the-door shoe rack:

One of the other quick wins?  A re-organized personal workspace.  This is where I pay the bills and shred documents.  Yes, I have a study, but I didn't want this set up there.  Like Suellen said, to be something I'll keep up with, it needs to be an area where I'll use it. So this little unused space in the living room became the perfect work nook.

One of the best things about this effort was the amount of stuff I was able to donate and, for stuff that couldn't be donated, throw out.  See these bins? They all used to be filled with STUFF.  And now they aren't. In fact, they are ready for donation.

That's eleven bins, if you're wondering.

So, like I said, I feel so free now. I feel organized.  I know easily where things are. It is easy to keep things in control because nothing is out of control.  It's expanded into other areas. I've ruthlessly cleaned out and reorganized drawers.  I'm much more discriminating in what I buy, because I realize that now that I know where everything is, I don't really need anything.

Overall, I still think my house is comfortable. You could come in and make yourself at home.  It isn't so perfect that you're afraid to touch anything.  But there's no embarrassment for an overfilled storage bin or too many magazines piled on the coffee table.  They're dropped off for recycling at a local school once a month now.

Suellen was great.  Non-judgemental, supportive, full of ideas, and respectful of my unique style.  I'm so glad I did this, and wouldn't hesitate to recommend hiring someone to anyone with organizational challenges.

To wrap up, I'm going to share with you a list of ten things, in no particular order, that I've discovered I don't need any time soon. I have enough of them, and I know where they are:

1)  Jeans

2)  T-shirts

3)  Purses

4)  Knickers

5)  Shoes

6)  Boots

7)  Bath soaps

8)  Exercise clothes

9)  Socks

10) Linens

Game On Diet, Week 4

This is it. The last day of the Game On Diet.

I admit it, by this week, I've had a bit of GoD fatigue. So have most of the other players.  I think that is partially because real life has been a bit more hectic this week, and this was just one more thing to have to think about.

But then I think about all I've gained- and lost- from the last four weeks.  Eight pounds, gone. Clothes fitting better.  The chemicals I was so used to ingesting every day in the form of diet sodas and artificial sweeteners have been gone from my life for twenty-eight days now.

I feel better. I'm sleeping more. I'm more flexible because of working out and doing Yoga.  I'm drinking even more water than before.  I'm thinking about why I want to eat, not mindlessly noshing, even on healthy things, any more.

That's the point of the game- to learn balance and to listen to your body. To be kind to yourself.  So it has been completely worth it.

I'm planning to take off the full stringency of the game until after Labor Day- that doesn't mean I'm going back to all the old habits, just adapting them for long term maintainability. Then I'll planning to play again for another four weeks, which should then have it all fully ingrained.  Because I'm in favor of anything that helps me feel better, more balanced. 

Who's up for round 2?

Game On Diet: Week 2 Recap

Another week down! Another two pounds down!  So I'm happy.


This week was actually a little easier than the first week because I know how to plan and what to expect.  But it was also a little harder mentally because it is hard to be spontaneous following this plan. Monday night, I had a concert to go to, so I took that as my food day off, and I completely enjoyed myself at the show.  But when last minute plans presented themselves Wednesday night, I had to figure out how to get in a plan-friendly dinner.  Then I took the snacking penalty because I had an appetizer with a friend- at least it was healthy: hummus and pita and vegetable sticks.  Yes, it was a penalty, but I was also glad to see that I naturally was drawn to the healthier choice.


I had intended Friday lunch to be my meal off.   I was going to one of my favorite restaurants and wanted to get my favorite dish.  When lunch plans changed, I ate a typical Game On Diet meal.  I wasn't feeling deprived or like I needed the splurge, so I didn't take it.  That's the point I'm getting to- the point of the game- the healthier lifestyle is taking route.  I'm finding I just want to make the better decisions.


I'm still not loving black coffee, but a little vanilla extract in it, or cinnamon, is helping a bit.  The thing I've craved the most? An icy cold Coke Zero.  But I haven't had a single soda, even when it is allowed in the plan.  I'm actually rather proud of myself for that.


The best thing, though, is how much more sleep I am getting. Seven hours is the requisite minimum amount in the game, and I was getting that most of the time. But I was still waking up so tired.  So I forced myself to try each night for eight hours. And I feel so much better.  That is probably the single biggest improvement I've noticed from these two weeks: how much better I feel in general when I am well rested.


So now we're on to Week 3.  I already had the food day off for this week, and the wine I had at last night's concert gave me a fitful sleep last night, so even though it was enough time, it wasn't good sleep. That's impacted my motivation today, but I am powering through it. I figure I did it to myself, so I can get over it and get my head in the game.


We're already talking round 2. I plan to take a week or two off between rounds- it is good to surprise your metabolism once in a while- and I want to have no worries over Labor Day Weekend. So if you're interested in playing, starting the week of 13 September, let me know!

The Urge to Purge

Much to my mother's consternation, I've never lived by the  "a place for everything and everything in its place" mantra.  I like clean, but I can stand some clutter.  And there's a lot of other things I'd rather do than sort through everything that needs sorting through right when it needs doing.  But it's gotten a bit out of hand lately. Not "I should be on Hoarders" crazy, but "Where the hell did all this crap COME FROM?!" crazy.  And WHY do I need all of it?


That's the point. I don't need all of it.  I may not even need half of it. But where to start?  I can organize a closet if I can do the whole thing at once. If I have to break it up over several days, it stresses me out. But then it becomes easier to not do it. Except I hit a wall. The clutter is driving me mad. I want to simplify, get rid of all the stuff I don't need and I want to be more organized.


So, I hired a professional organizer.  We meet for the first time on Friday.  This is simultaneously liberating and terrifying. I want to be free of the clutter, I want to be more organized, I want to simplify, and I want to live and love more with less.  I just would prefer a magic wand or a house elf to do it and not actually have to involve myself in the process.  I attach a ridiculous sentimentality to some things.  Like gifts I'll never use, but I feel guilty for giving them away because it was important to someone that I have it. 


There are bins in the bottom of one closet I should toss without looking in them. I know I am keeping the contents for some reason, but I can't tell you at all what that is.  I'm sure I'll remember once I start looking through them. And this is where I expect said organizer to look at me as though I have three heads and calmly instruct me to toss it anyway. There's other stuff that will be easier to get rid of.  I just have to do it, perhaps channeling my friend Amanda, label maker and storage bins in hand.


On an intellectual level, I know what needs to be done.  In theory, I could do it myself. But I need that voice of reason to push me to get rid of the things I don't really need, and in some cases even want.  Someone who won't buy into the justifications I give for wanting to keep something.  And I want this to be the start of yet another change.  Something that makes me question purchases in the future- what value will this give me, if I allow it into my home.


Truth be told, I'm excited, along with the dread of actually completing the taks and anticipation of the liberation I expect to feel when  all is said and done.

Game On Diet: Week 1 Recap

Week 1 of the Game on Diet (or as we contestants are calling it, Crazy Game On Diet) is officially over.  I'm proud to say I lost an even (and healthy) two pounds.

No artificial creamers or sweeteners since July 31. I also have not had a soda since July 31.  Sparkling water with no sweeteners is proving to be my salvation there.  It's the carbonation I like the most, although I have craved the taste a few times this week.

There's been several things I have loved about this game so far. I love getting more sleep.  I really approve of any game that says sleep more. I feel so much better with that extra rest.

At the risk of sounding like a nouveau coffee snob, I now completely understand the appeal of French Press coffee. It is the only way I can take coffee black.  

I've adapted pretty easily to the smaller, more frequent meals. Yes, yes, lots of planning. But also noticing that it really does take less food to sate us.

On the flip side, I realized at dinner last night (my meal off for the week) that the game is already giving me a bit of a complex when it comes to eating out.  I stared and stared and stared at the menu until I remembered the point of the meal off: to not feel as though you are being deprived in this process.  It really is important to indulge once in a while.  So I ordered the burger, and loved it. I ate a few of the fried pickles (I'm in the South. We'll fry anything). I left most of my French Fries on the plate.  And when I got on the scale this morning, it was one pound higher than yesterday?! What?  Which goes to show just how much all the bad for us stuff does impact us on a daily basis.  Still, I don't feel guilty for it. Although, I will always make sure my food day and meal off are not right before points submission time in the future.

Now, let's talk about booze. I didn't indulge until it was sanctioned.  I took a penalty last night- I was allotted one drink then through a little misunderstanding on the part of the waiter, I ended up with a drink I didn't order.  I chose to take the penalty points.  It was a deliberate action.  But in my defense, the UFC Fight was on in the tavern we were in, and I got caught up in all the yelling at those crazy men cage fighting each other. Not my sport.  Anyway, it led me to a realization.  I really think that if I hadn't had the sanctioned glass of wine, I wouldn't have been tempted with the others.  So next time I'm out for several hours on a Meal or Food Day off, I'll probably just skip it all together. Save the calories, save my points. Because really? I've not missed it much at all.

So Week 2 began this morning.  I'm going to see Green Day in concert tomorrow night, which means my meal off and potentially exercise day off will be tomorrow.  I'm probably also going to take my sleep day off on Monday, by sheer logistics. I have a conference call at 8AM on Tuesday, so I'm just not sure seven hours of sleep will be possible between the time I get home from the concert and the time I have to be up to make said call.

But overall, I'm having fun, so I'm keeping at it. I'm also already recruiting players for a round 2 in September.

It's Fun Being A Girl!

I've said before (not here, but in real life) that I'm glad I'm not a celebrity. This week gave me one more reason why.


Emma Watson adopts a Pixie cut and it makes the entertainment headlines, Twitter rounds, and Facebook commentary. Fandom and Entertainment sites host "Love It or Hate It" polls. Keri Russell went super short years ago when she played Felicity and the backlash was immediate and harsh. Same when Faith Hill adopted a bob.


Y'all, changing our hair color and style is part of the fun of being a girl!  My own hair hasn't seen its natural color since the 1990's.  And I've changed styles more times than I can count.  I am so grateful that when I change my hair it doesn't warrant press coverage. I'd never be out of the news.


I started life as a blonde- once I finally had hair.

.

And all through middle school and high school and college, I went long and too short and then the right short for me.  I made mistakes.  Bad ones. You'll notice there are no pictures of this era posted here.  There's a reason for that.

In 2005, after years of mostly chin to shoulder length styles in a variety of colors, I decided to grow my hair long.

This was my hair in 2007:

:

I kept it mostly the same length through 2008, but I had a lot of red in the color- not my best look.  That length? Was high maintenance. I have a lot of hair, and it is thick. This is not a complaint but a fact.  That means that it takes ages to get blown dry correctly- more than a half  hour. And then, it must be styled.  So, yeah, it was nice to have it long again, but it was cumbersome.

In 2009, I started going a little shorter, and darker, close to my natural color (I can't actually remember my natural color. I'd have to go back to some college photos, or maybe high school).

Earlier this year, I went a little shorter still, and the blonde highlights came back in.

But this summer, I went shorter than I have since sometime in the mid-2000's.  The only thing this photo doesn't show is the one red streak I had added last time I went to the salon.

This cut?  I'll use the same description as Emma: Liberating.

I can get ready more quickly. It's more natural.  It's cooler. And where I live, that matters in the summer time.  I feel better with it.  

So what's my point with this rambling? It's that we're lucky as girls to be able to change our look so completely, to have fun with our hair, and to experiment with different looks. Believe me, I've had some misses that I hope never to repeat.  It shouldn't be newsworthy when a news anchor or singer or actress changes her hairstyle or color, especially when it implies it is something that requires votes on whether or not we like it. Who cares?  The only exception to this rule? When something like Britney Spears' shaving her head occurs, because that indicated some deeper issues going on.

So, go Emma, go Keri, go Faith. Go all of us. Experiment. Have fun. Enjoy being a girl and getting to do it! I'm off to paint my nails now.  It's a night out later, after all.